As much as I love what I do, my business is severely affected by my moods. The spark to create and work on pieces and projects ebb and flow just like the moon, my mania driving my most productive hours and my depression leaving me unable to do more than get out of bed. So if there is a few days where I am absent, this is why.
The thing with depression or anxiety or mania even is that you are perfectly aware of what you need to do, or you know that you are being irrational. But that still does not stop it. The deep, gut-wrenching despair will pop up out of nowhere. You will be laughing and having a good time and then just sadness and loneliness, a dark wave comes crashing in and wrecks all of the work you have done. The debilitating numbness that comes with it leaves you tired and cranky, and not wanting to talk or be around people. You'll sleep and sleep and have no motivation.
With me, I'll have all kinds of ideas that are scattered in my mind, and I'll write them down on anything I can but I won't have the mental energy to do it, or the doubts come creeping in telling me that someone else can do this and they will do it better. So things don't get done, not until the mania kicks in. That's the thing with Borderline Personality Disorder, you cycle through emotions so much quicker than most. I'll be happy, sobbing, depressed and content all within two hours of each other.
It makes it really hard to get serious about life, and furthering Escaping Stars into what I want it to be. I have plans for monthly circles both online and eventually in person, coaching and ecourses, more workbooks, tangible affirmation cards and custom Sacred Pauses created with different purposes.
Basically I want to be the conduit for you to work on healing and furthering your journey with different tools.
I had a dream the other night though, that is changing my course. One where I wasn't ashamed of my mania, or more importantly, my depression. The dream me met her depressive states with reverence, as if they were sacred moments. She sat with them, inviting them fully into herself and instead of fighting them, she embodied them, feeling them in their entirety and listened to the words they held for her. "They hold lessons" she said, "They uncover another stepping stone for you to connect with your Self, without any lingering mundane obstacles." Flash forward to today, an emotionally exhausting and long day and I am sitting on my floor in the midst of a crying fest and missing laptop charger and it clicks. You do yourself harm by going on and pushing through, ignoring your depression and lows. Take a step back and meet them with quiet and grace, with reverence for their lessons and a smile (no matter how small.)